A Wayward Self-expression

How many times have you heard individuals proclaiming proudly, “I believe in saying stuff straight in people’s face, not behind their backs. If I don’t like something which a person has said or done, I speak plainly in front of him.”? The obvious subliminal message behind such a statement is a supposed ‘clean conscience’ on the part of the speaker which evidently translates into outspokenness and a lack of deceitfulness. Beyond the obvious utility of such a self-advertised quality (I suppose, an honest chap would much rather let his actions do the talking and not resort to statements, the truth of which will only be borne out at a later time, but then, I have been wrong before), I ponder over this – just how important is it for us to let others know that we dislike their actions/ words?

A couple of days ago I made a new friendship. A very close friend introduced us; one of the first things my new friend said by way of self-disclosure was the oft-repeated statement about ‘saying stuff upfront’. I was tempted to ask her a few questions at this point, but I stopped myself cos I felt that it might be the wrong time. The rest of that meeting floated by in that cloud of pleasantries and discussion of shared experiences and likes/ dislikes, which always envelops first conversations.

Later I reflected on this widely-regarded ‘positive’ trait where one voices one’s displeasures and feelings in such an in-your-face manner. I suppose that in the society where I and many of my friends have been brought up, there is indeed an argument for speaking one’s mind. You see, we come from a cloistered environment where the parents’ and the teachers’ word was considered beyond reproach. When a parent or a teacher or an elder wanted you to do something, you just did it…without questioning.

When I was in Class 8 in school, we had a visiting dignitary from the University of Leeds; he was a mathematician who had even been awarded some honour by the Queen for his work and on this particular trip, prior to visiting us, he had spoken at many other institutions in India and Assam. He addressed us in the school auditorium and today, I can remember only 1 thing which he said. He said that everywhere he went in India he was surprised by the total awe in which he was regarded and the air of eminence with which his words were treated by academicians and students alike. Back home in his classroom in Leeds, he confided that his classes were peppered with far more questions and doubts but here in India, whatever he said was accepted without enquiry. He further disclosed that as a mathematician, he was always programmed to ask ‘Why’ and ‘Why not’ and that this spirit of a quest is essential for anyone in science.

So, coming from a background where we suppressed our queries in home and in school/ college, we always consider ourselves as being too believing or too lenient with our doubts, wrt others. Subsequently in the work-place and in later relationships, we tend to over-compensate by being unnecessary sceptical and vocal. A scientific bent of mind, a spirit of enquiry and elocutionary skills that in childhood, are expected to find application in studies and acquiring knowledge; we belatedly introduce to our professional and personal lives in excessive amounts to compensate for the previous inactivity. I know that I have, sometimes unconsciously and oftentimes with intent but I have wondered later, about the utter efficacy of it all.

• Surely, we will not like everything that a close friend or fellow-employee says or does, but does it mean that we have to have to give voice to such disquiet all the time? Or are there times when we can hold down such a spirit of outspokenness in the face of a more matured judgement which might dawn later?
• In the interest of fairness - where we are so quick to discuss and highlight the follies of others which vex us, are we in the same spirit, also agreeable to just as spontaneously praise and uphold  others when they affect us positively?
• Finally, is self-expression only a reaction to others? Surely, expression of the self if it is to yield any worth, should overstep a horizon beyond ‘what you do’ and ‘how that makes me feel’?

I need a great amount of help to resolve these posers for myself.